tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-84387242011-12-13T19:57:59.760-08:00"Prepare to die," she said, but in a loving way.JEAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03322573603739161683noreply@blogger.comBlogger421100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8438724.post-1105738953077933342005-01-14T13:37:00.000-08:002005-01-14T13:42:33.076-08:00

At 10:00 a.m. on the first day of my employment at Flimsy, Inc., there was a meeting. In attendance were: • Mr. CEO • me (recently hired as Mr. CEO’s assistant) • and Melody,* Mr. CEO’s fiancé/ “designer”/ Co-Owner (*There’s just no other name to appropriately convey the aura of this person.) In this Thursday morning meeting, we discussed some ordinary things. Really simple things. Like

JEAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03322573603739161683noreply@blogger.com35tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8438724.post-1105658802730092022005-01-13T15:25:00.000-08:002005-01-13T15:26:42.730-08:00

I’m thirteen days late to do a New Year’s post, so suffice it to say that I hope you are all happy and well. Since I disappeared exactly one month ago, the following things (and more) have happened. Please feel free to leave me the play-by-play of your own weeks past. Prepare ye: there are stories to come. About: ▪ the job I was desperate enough to take and subsequently resign in the

JEAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03322573603739161683noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8438724.post-1102895821625432362004-12-12T15:55:00.000-08:002004-12-12T15:57:01.626-08:00

We still can’t figure out why the people here never learned about traffic. The light is green. The crosswalk is about fifteen feet behind us. My new standard of driving will be: “Learn how to jaywalk or prepare to get hit.”

JEAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03322573603739161683noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8438724.post-1102895654298419372004-12-12T15:44:00.000-08:002004-12-12T15:54:14.296-08:00

The Boy and I had been looking forward to seeing Ocean’s Twelve for almost two weeks, so we booked two opening night tickets on Fandango for Friday night. When I get home from work, (YES! I got a job not listed here) we head to the theater. Strangely enough, the one we usually go to isn’t showing it, so The Boy chose a Magic Johnson Theater, which is located on Martin Luther King Blvd. in this

JEAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03322573603739161683noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8438724.post-1102558683861609112004-12-08T18:13:00.000-08:002004-12-08T18:18:03.860-08:00

Isn’t there maybe a more important use for the stem cells?

JEAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03322573603739161683noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8438724.post-1102382698278760542004-12-06T17:15:00.000-08:002004-12-06T17:36:02.566-08:00

Almost four months later, I am still in search of permanent employment in Los Angeles, and while searching for my dream job (more accurately: my it’s-ok-for-now job), I come across some terrible listings, usually from Craigslist. The following postings comprise the inaugural edition of “Jobs I’m Not Desperate Enough To Take”. These are the abridged versions; do you really want to read three

JEAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03322573603739161683noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8438724.post-1102019385068199022004-12-02T13:23:00.000-08:002004-12-02T12:29:45.070-08:00

Think back to Thanksgiving now, people. It was but one short week ago. Remember wherever you were, and now picture me in New York. Mine seems good already, right? The holiday itself was uneventful: My mother and I aborted the let’s-go-be-miserable-with-family plans of yesteryear, and opted for a lovely if non-traditional dinner at Gotham. On Saturday, I went to Jersey City, where my

JEAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03322573603739161683noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8438724.post-1101961543101280092004-12-01T20:25:00.000-08:002004-12-01T20:25:43.100-08:00

Exactly who decided it would be a RED-NOSED REINDEER we should all sing about and love?

JEAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03322573603739161683noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8438724.post-1101943311179950642004-12-01T15:15:00.000-08:002004-12-01T15:31:58.690-08:00

The Boy is the type of person whose thoughts become charts. (We still do not have kids [or dogs] to control, so I guess he's just looking forward to the twenty-year decline in power ahead of him.)

JEAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03322573603739161683noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8438724.post-1101159136272365142004-11-22T13:29:00.000-08:002004-11-22T13:35:59.743-08:00

I can’t think of a person more well-versed in guilt than I am. Mine is the all-pervasive breed that crawls up your leg in a dark movie theater, and lodges itself in a pocket. Eventually, though, mine crawled much farther, and planted itself it my mouth, so that every other phrase out of it is “I’m sorry.” Lately it has occupied more space throughout my brain, (but of course it doesn’t feel

JEAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03322573603739161683noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8438724.post-1100985371360584162004-11-20T13:11:00.000-08:002004-11-20T13:16:11.360-08:00

The number THREE HUNDRED TWENTY ONE had never been so frightening as the day my doctor put it in the context of my cholesterol. For those of you unfamiliar with ordinary cholesterol levels, 321 is 141 points too high. How old am I, you ask? Under three decades. I have nothing to do with that dude who supersized himself, I don’t eat ridiculous amounts of cheese or fried stuff anymore, and I’

JEAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03322573603739161683noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8438724.post-1100675556374950612004-11-16T23:09:00.000-08:002004-11-16T23:12:36.373-08:00

The fluff level of the bathroom mat has always been an issue for me. Isn’t it a sign of weakness when the mat’s cotton loops are all downtrodden? I thought so. Anyway, when The Boy does something to make me angry, this is how he fixes it.

JEAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03322573603739161683noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8438724.post-1100644337992822622004-11-16T14:30:00.000-08:002004-11-16T15:33:35.763-08:00

I’m becoming increasingly no-fuss about the pretty situation. I’ve gone from completely obsessed with wearing makeup at all times (years ago), to dangerously disinterested in spending more than three minutes making myself look presentable. The disinterest has grown especially dangerous within the last few months. It’s refreshing, but not in a messy-chic or an I-don’

JEAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03322573603739161683noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8438724.post-1100577193687704532004-11-15T19:51:00.000-08:002004-11-15T19:53:13.686-08:00

We were fortunate enough to leave the house for like 8 whole hours on Saturday. (With that, you’d think The Boy and I had kids, but no, we don’t even have dogs.) Since coming out to LA, we’ve become accustomed to playing Scrabble for entertainment [read: saving money] while we develop those burgeoning careers. But The Boy’s aunt and uncle have escaped Chicago (and the adorable kid they’re

JEAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03322573603739161683noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8438724.post-1100287696910787562004-11-12T11:27:00.000-08:002004-11-12T11:28:16.910-08:00

Today I discovered, by way of being informed, that I have been brushing my teeth THE WRONG WAY my entire life. Apparently, in all the years that The Boy has been present while I brush my teeth, he hasn’t noticed the atrocity that is my brushing style. As usual, I was trying to conduct a conversation with a toothbrush in my mouth, and in the middle of a sentence (in which I was pestering him

JEAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03322573603739161683noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8438724.post-1100210253985994382004-11-11T13:54:00.000-08:002004-11-11T13:57:33.986-08:00

How awesome is Governor Schwarzenegger? Only awesome enough to use his sway with the Japanese to bring in some extra money for California trade offices.

JEAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03322573603739161683noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8438724.post-1100119341836707002004-11-10T13:30:00.000-08:002004-11-10T12:42:21.836-08:00

Occasionally, I try to be extra sweet to The Boy, and in line with that sweetness, I will prepare for him some devilish baked good, continued proof that food is better than emotions. Yesterday was one of these extra sweet days, so in the midst of our back-to-back working-typing-bullshitting, I stopped to pass him a note with the offer. After some deliberation, he chose the pumpkin devil,

JEAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03322573603739161683noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8438724.post-1100028045748089222004-11-09T11:06:00.000-08:002004-11-09T11:20:45.746-08:00

Arkansas debates the important stuff. A Floridian does the smart thing. (Murder does have a way of making a guy rich, right?) Somebody tell that cabbie that this is how you make money. A New Yorker whose “whole world is about manifesting [...] decide[s] to manifest children” (at 57). And finally, Jim Belushi is a leaf-blowing voyeur? (I love Hollywood.)

JEAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03322573603739161683noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8438724.post-1099777672505378682004-11-06T13:42:00.000-08:002004-11-06T13:47:52.506-08:00

Back in the forties, two people starting having kids. Four girls were born (let’s call them Alice, Brunhilda, Cathy, and Dana). Alice gets married, has two boys, gets divorced, and hasn’t seen either of her boys in years. Brunhilda gets married, has my cousin Dan, moves from the Island to Jersey, has George, and eventually gets divorced. Cathy is my mother, who I think is awesome. She

JEAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03322573603739161683noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8438724.post-1099462463686682252004-11-02T22:13:00.000-08:002004-11-02T22:14:23.686-08:00

This evening I stopped at Sav-On to pick up a prescription. And as I approached the counter, I noticed a woman wearing those stupid maternity jeans with the stretchy top (which were actually pretty cute). I thought maternity jeans were intended to cover the expanding belly, but these must have been the fashionably low-cut style, because between them and the

JEAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03322573603739161683noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8438724.post-1099263880722739172004-10-31T15:04:00.000-08:002004-10-31T15:05:01.006-08:00

JEAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03322573603739161683noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8438724.post-1098488230134188102004-10-22T16:30:00.000-07:002004-10-22T16:37:10.133-07:00

In the ‘70s, the whole area was grey and filthy, so they took up building two giant towers. People groaned and resisted, but then grew to love them. Then things became less filthy, and those two giant things became a symbol of what life in New York was. But then they were both gone. And people were sad. Life stopped for a while. Finally, things started to come alive again, and the

JEAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03322573603739161683noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8438724.post-1098391132663577372004-10-21T13:28:00.000-07:002004-10-21T13:40:28.726-07:00

Dear Nice-People-Who-Ask-About-MBO, 1. Despite this and this, I am doing very well this week, thank you. 2. Remember the MBO t-shirt? You can wear one too! Check out the Punch In The Arm stuff at Café Press. With Love, Someone Who Might Punch You

JEAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03322573603739161683noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8438724.post-1098070070621007442004-10-17T20:22:00.000-07:002004-10-17T20:27:50.623-07:00

So I decided that the cheerful pink and white should be updated for Fall. What do you think?

JEAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03322573603739161683noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8438724.post-1097998823234744442004-10-17T01:37:00.000-07:002004-10-17T00:40:23.233-07:00

Considering the asthma I have, I was a fool to leave New York without first making sure that my health insurance was good in California. City-centric thinker that I was, I assumed that Insurance No. 1 would be happily accepted all over this country, including my new home. Well, I’m an ass. And now I can’t breathe, but am I about to go to the emergency room? No. One treatment on a nebulizer

JEAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03322573603739161683noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8438724.post-1097987663974349012004-10-16T21:30:00.000-07:002004-10-16T21:41:58.916-07:00

Halloween is my favorite holiday. It’s not even about the candy. I think it’s a combination of the awesome feeling of Fall, and the fact that (if the neighborhood’s doing it right) everyone’s outside. And the candy helps... Anyway, the Bible Belt is having another hissy fit about it: “It’s a day for the good Lord, not for the devil,” said Barbara Braswell, who plans to send her 4-year-old

JEAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03322573603739161683noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8438724.post-1097865339492468962004-10-15T11:34:00.000-07:002004-10-15T11:35:39.493-07:00

Watch in awe as Google makes my day.

JEAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03322573603739161683noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8438724.post-1097815918450527272004-10-14T21:09:00.000-07:002004-10-14T21:51:58.450-07:00

I have not been feeling attractive at all lately because I’ve been swimming in my mid-monthly blues. However, today, while shopping in the best aisle at the grocery store, (the one where everything over 4000 calories and 80 grams of fat lives) I bumped into a man other than my own. [This may seem to be heading south, but I’m an honest woman.] Anyway, as I’m thoughtfully staring at the wall

JEAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03322573603739161683noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8438724.post-1097636007139150042004-10-12T19:49:00.000-07:002004-10-12T19:53:27.140-07:00

I’ve been asked what protocol to follow if punched. However, since I’m the one punching and not really being punched these days, I thought it best to have The Boy respond. Step 1: Don’t panic. Step 2: Assess the size of your aggressor. Step 3: Act accordingly: In the case that your aggressor is smaller than you, “you first have to evaluate how ferocious she is,” he says. “If she is

JEAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03322573603739161683noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8438724.post-1097265378927686032004-10-08T13:51:00.000-07:002004-10-08T12:56:18.926-07:00

When I saw this headline, I felt terrible for the babysitter, and when I read the last line of the story, I thought, that babysitter had to have known what she was getting herself into. Who has a machete LYING IN THEIR YARD?

JEAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03322573603739161683noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8438724.post-1097257902527518702004-10-08T10:35:00.000-07:002004-10-08T10:51:42.526-07:00

My first experience with pizza must have been a good one, because, unlike other foods*, pizza never turned on me. Throughout my childhood, my parents and I ordered a pie every Friday night. For a long time, we had a Sicilian pie from the Road House, and sometimes we had their bar pies, either a regular cheese or a white pie with broccoli**. However, it seemed that almost weekly the pizza

JEAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03322573603739161683noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8438724.post-1097103977388499192004-10-06T16:02:00.000-07:002004-10-06T16:06:17.386-07:00

When I was eleven, we started allergy testing because I was one of those unfortunate dorks harassed by pollen, dust, trees, grass, cattle, and many others that made my voice too similar to Fran Drescher’s. For those unfamiliar with this kind of fun, it involves going to a doctor and having his nurse really, honest-to-god, scratch you with little needles or knives or something that makes blood

JEAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03322573603739161683noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8438724.post-1097091652551251202004-10-06T13:39:00.000-07:002004-10-06T12:40:52.550-07:00

those wacky tourists.

JEAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03322573603739161683noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8438724.post-1097015664678923302004-10-05T15:28:00.000-07:002004-10-05T15:38:43.830-07:00

Which are you?

JEAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03322573603739161683noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8438724.post-1096940361187428772004-10-04T18:30:00.000-07:002004-10-04T20:35:28.866-07:00

I never realized what a horrible implication it was for Theo’s poor friend Cockroach to be nicknamed as such on the Cosby Show.. until I had cockroaches in my living room. The Boy and I lived in some high density cockroach breeding areas in Manhattan for quite a long time, with nary a roach to be seen in the living room, so we never anticipated that moving to LA would bring us this kind of

JEAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03322573603739161683noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8438724.post-1096937546380971462004-10-04T17:42:00.000-07:002004-10-04T17:52:26.380-07:00

It’s just before 2:00 p.m. on Monday, August 2. We have arrived at Culver City Mazda to retrieve what has become the baby: since I’ve been told that no, I’m really not allowed to have a puppy yet. (I’ve acquiesced since I don’t want to be only one who walks it.) Anyway, we arrive in a cab from the airport, and I continue to marvel at the fact that there’s no return flight. I sign a

JEAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03322573603739161683noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8438724.post-1096747632187016112004-10-02T13:59:00.000-07:002004-10-02T13:10:09.560-07:00

Today is Saturday, the first of three formerly endless days of football. Until last weekend, I had been the type of woman to dismiss the game categorically. Admittedly, though, I would play along during Superbowl and some selected other bowls (just for the commercials and the group activity-ness of watching) but I really hated the watching part. However, lately I really miss home (especially

JEAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03322573603739161683noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8438724.post-1096002520143589392004-09-24T09:30:00.000-07:002004-09-23T22:08:40.143-07:00

For just about my whole life, I experienced some form of depression, but it would come and go quickly when I was young. Toward the end of high school, however, depression and baaddd anxiety came and stayed. I remember the exact day it started. Five years later, I was beyond frustrated; I wanted to escape the monotony and the numbness of prescription pacification. By the end, though, I had

JEAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03322573603739161683noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8438724.post-1095980703879516452004-09-23T16:00:00.000-07:002004-09-23T16:44:52.030-07:00

That last post was terribly morose, so let’s talk about the weather. If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, then the morning is the most important part of it. And the mornings in LA are, without fail, cloudy and cool. Before I go on, I have to tell you that I’m from New York, and I just moved here (to LA). Now, I should explain the root of my problem with changeable weather: When

JEAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03322573603739161683noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8438724.post-1095980190898690222004-09-23T15:46:00.000-07:002004-09-23T15:56:30.900-07:00

So it's many, many years ago, right? I’m this high school journalism “trend whore”; I run the paper and the yearbook. Oh boy, do I have the monopoly on a certain breed of power at Curtis High School. (On this, I’m semi-serious, because it was an interesting thing to watch the behavior of those who thought I controlled the decision making process on each photo to be included in the book. Also,

JEAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03322573603739161683noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8438724.post-1095920024494362462004-09-22T23:12:00.000-07:002004-09-22T23:13:44.493-07:00

for cold milk and jon stewart. goodnight.

JEAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03322573603739161683noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8438724.post-1095917580092941762004-09-22T22:32:00.000-07:002004-09-22T22:33:00.093-07:00

blah blah and blah

JEAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03322573603739161683noreply@blogger.com2